Out of Body; or, Unattached
Title: ‘I and I’
Something monumental is happening in my life. Many would consider it a life or death situation.
Although this is not the first time I’m faced with a dismal diagnosis, this time it is imperative that I share my process and how I’m navigating through this wilderness as the scripture would put it. Perhaps someone who is in a similar situation might find it inspiring, comforting or even healing.
About three months ago I found myself unable to breathe and had coughing fits I could barely take in air. I went to the doctor and what started out as a seasonal allergy ended up being something far more serious and certainly unexpected. After seeing several specialists and taking numerous targeted tests, and ruling out my liver, kidneys, esophagus, stomach and throat, we ended up at my lungs. When I brought the lung X-Ray to the pneumologist (lung specialist), Dr. Abel told me there is a large tumor on the right side. He ordered a CT scan and those results showed numerous large and small tumors in both lungs. I could tell by the way the doctor fell silent and kept rubbing his forehead that something ominous was going on. Eventually, he spoke, “It’s not good, there are tumors in both lungs.” He went on to magnify and show me each of the tumors. He continued, “It’s probably cancer but to be sure we’ll do a biopsy.” He wrote down an extensive list of medications and referred me to an oncology clinic for the biopsy.
Dr. Daniel, the Oncologist, received me in a dark room with only the CT scan illuminated on a screen to the right. There were three young people seated on the left side on a rather long, shiny wooden table. At the head sat Dr. Daniel, I was invited to sit on the other end directly facing the doctor. To the right was one more person who was to assist me with Spanish in case I did not fully understand or express myself adequately. Dr. Daniel opened by saying there is no doubt that it is cancer, not only has it spread in both lungs, but it may have metastasized to all parts of my body including perhaps my brain and my bones.
“I felt a sense of calm and a sense of being held by God.”
When Dr. Abel had broken the news I was unmoved. I was not in denial, I was merely detached. I went home and told myself that 1)God has the last word 2)whatever is happening to my body does not have any effect on my spirit. I’ve long believed that I’m a spirit being as we all are and I’ve also been earnestly seeking to know God through reading scripture (bible study) to fully understand the work of Jesus by the Holy Spirit. My reaction was nothing borne out of my own bravado or intelligence or wit. It was clearly the work of Grace and I recognized that God is being glorified through this tribulation. Except for the coughing fits, the upchucking and the stomach and chest pains, I was without fear or anxiety. I mostly slept soundly even if at times sleep was interrupted. I felt a sense of calm and a sense of being held by God.
I live in Mexico and consider Oaxaca my current home. The first decision I made without hesitation or fretting was to pursue my treatment here in Oaxaca. I want to be at home. The second question was about the quality of life. I relinquished what would happen although the idea of my body deteriorating was terrifying but instead of anxiety what took hold is peace and a conviction that God is trustworthy, that Jesus is compassionate and that I am in God’s hands. Still, I also recognized my failures and only begged for mercy knowing that I have no right to demand from or prescribe anything to God. In my pleading for mercy what I was really saying was God please put me to sleep swiftly before I watch myself lose every part of my body including my brain. Grace took hold of me in a way that was undeniable.
Most of the time I went through the physical demands of my body, painful and hard as they were, without getting upset, without asking why me, without feeling despair. What I felt was gratitude for every day, for every breath, for every meal and every support, etc.
I let my body do what it does without the condition taking hold of my thoughts and feelings, I completely relinquished my life, my whole being to God. I pray, “Thy Will be Done, Let Thy Purpose be Fulfilled.” This is the work of the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. Therefore, there is no expectation on my part nor any attachment to the outcome. Long before my current diagnosis I had reached a point in my prayer life that I only desired what God wants for me.
Of course, I have moments of turmoil, sorrow and worry and even doubt tries to creep in. But during such moments the Holy Spirit reveals to me how much I’m loved because I get overcome with such magnificent love for God, for Jesus, for the Holy Trinity. I hear myself talking with God and saying, “Whatever your will for me because I know you’ll be with me for eternity.” Over the days and weeks I moved from having thoughts of dying to thoughts of actually going through this and living with a purpose and serving God.
I began asking God to arrest any advances into the lymph nodes and growth of cancer cells in my lungs. I meditate on the power of Jesus’ blood shed for my redemption and I speak life to my cells. I speak Jesus over my body from head to toes. In doing so the Holy Spirit (my intuition) tells me that I may get sick for an extended period, but I most definitely will be OK. I will live to witness God's mercy, faithfulness and abounding love.
Up until this moment of my life I had been timid to talk about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Oh I mention God or Jesus here and there in my writings. Often though I wrote about Grace or Universe or just God. There was a reservation on my part that proselytizing would turn people off. But if I’m really honest, I think it was an image thing (it’s not cool) and a pride thing (this is not my style) and ultimately, it was downright hypocritical. I was mouthing off a lot to God in private, but I was not willing to do it in public. It was almost like I had a secret affair. Of course, people who knew me closely knew that I’m a follower of Jesus and that my values are aligned with His teachings. But did I stand up waving a banner, no, not until now.