Only Believe (September)
‘Believe’
After my August blog, many people expressed their dismay that I had suffered. The truth of the matter is that even though my body was going through a rough time, my mind was not. I did what I had to do taking the medications and that was not pleasant, but the sensations I felt were more like major discomfort and I would not be classifying them as suffering. I have seen people who suffered from cancer and mine did not go anywhere near that kind of suffering. Besides, for the level of diagnosis that was shown in the PT/Scan and all the metastasis, the look in my doctors’ eyes when they ask their questions, I could see that it could be much worse. That is the miracle of God, that is the work of Jesus, manifesting through the Holy Spirit.
Sunday last was a turning point for me. Up until then, I had been reticent to ask for more time. Partly because I have had such a privileged and rich life, it felt like greed to ask for more. Partly because the enemy was sowing seeds of doubt that God would grant me more as maybe my time was up. Because I’m in my mid-seventies, I thought this is the time the Lord would call me home. I don’t know why this number stuck in my mind, but it had done so for a very long time. So, here now I was facing a self-fulfilling prophecy and that was partly why I was reluctant to ask God for more time. It felt like it was ordained.
That is why we need to be careful what we believe. Jesus said, “Only believe …” and what we believe determines what we ask for. God grants what we ask for especially when it comes to our wellness, our welfare and our relationships. But often we may interfere with His plan to heal, restore or revive us from our dire situation because of what we believe or what we do not believe. We may either think of ourselves undeserving because of our past or we may feel unworthy because we are not perfect beings in the eyes of God.
Last Sunday, I was discharged from the hospital after having been there for a week. I was very weak when I went in and after a week at Fairfax iNOVA hospital, they had built me up and I felt much stronger. Not only that but they had also run a series of tests and got to the bottom of my biggest concerns. My stomach and the eating disorder that had developed after I was told I had GERD many years ago. Because I thought the pain in my chest came from GERD or acid reflux, I was afraid of food. I had ruled out practically everything and when I ate, I often had pain in my upper abdomen.
Well, at the hospital they did all sorts of tests and got to the bottom of this issue. Being told that my stomach was fine and that I didn’t get the pain either from GERD or from acid reflux was quite liberating to hear at the time. I am not eating all sorts of food granted mostly soft foods but still quite an improvement from before.
Going back to last Sunday, after I was told I would be discharged and while I waited for my medications to be delivered to my room, I lay on my side and began a prayer/meditation of gratitude, I heard Jesus Christ pray within me. How do I know it was Jesus Christ who prayed for or in me? Because the prayer was complete in faith, boldness in asking and certainty that it would come to pass, total trust. In the past, I often was afraid to ask for unlimited time. I had convinced myself that my time was limited if not up now. This time, Jesus focused on eternal life given to us through his death and resurrection. He gave me a vision of my future, and I recited, “for I know the plans I have for you. Plans not to harm you, plans for your welfare. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Then I realized it was not me who had prayed because I was timid, doubtful, afraid and limited in what I thought I could ask for. But Jesus prayed in complete faith, without limiting God in what He can do and without a doubt that He is willing to do it because of His endless love and mercy. This revelation changed my disposition. The source of life breathed life into me. Although I have more treatments and the doctors speak of issues and risks, my outlook is entirely transformed. I am healed, now just going through the motions to manifest.
