Travelling (7.3)

Title: ‘Moving Spirit’

I’ve come to the US for two weeks. It was a sudden decision once I was told I had to wait for two weeks to hear the results of the 5 model tests before I begin my treatment. My treatment is expected to last two years provided it works and if it does not, the next option would be chemo + radiation. 

Since I haven’t told my family yet, and before I release these diaries to the public, I must tell each and every person one by one because I don't want them to hear it from the grapevine.It has been weighing on me ever since I was told of my diagnosis. What it would mean for each of them. How it will affect their days and that it would add yet another layer to their own struggles.

Regardless, it is something I cannot keep from them so I’m going to tell them and let the Lord lead and guide them through their own faith journey. One thing my current experience is teaching me is to leave myself out of the equation, recognizing God is at work and all is according to His plan. So long as I do not interfere, then His perfect plan will be for the best for me, through me.

For all the years I’ve lived, my flesh and its demands kept hijacking my heart, my intuition and my true calling. It blinded me from seeing my destiny as it was unfolding, or more accurately, from savoring the moments more deeply and from being satisfied with myself or more accurately from loving myself as I do now. Now when I’m most vulnerable and my body is noticeably feeble I feel beautiful, strong and radiant. This is the Grace of God. This is the work of Jesus Christ that because I feel Him being so close my heart is filled with joy and my mind is at peace. There are no moments of anxiety or fretting. Just like Jesus said, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” He has accomplished it in me by the power of the Holy Spirit. Even though my treatment does not start for another two weeks to a month, I do not feel the cancer advancing. 

Yesterday when I flew from Oaxaca, Mexico to Reagan National Airport in Washington, DC, I did not cough all day long nor did I have any mucus or phlegm. This was fully miraculous as I had been struggling with both for quite some time. So much so that I had postponed my trip to the US three times before because I was afraid that I could not wear a mask (can’t breathe) and I couldn’t go without a mask (people would think I have COVID or something communicable).

Even more disturbing is that when the coughing gets intense I gag and upchuck and that would mean navigating the aisle to the lavatory multiple times. Just the idea got me exhausted– But this time around once I was determined to make the trip I did not waiver. 

I booked my flight and began to look forward to my travel. I did say a prayer to the Lord. It was not a pleading kind of prayer, but it was an earnest ask. It was an ask that had trust in it that He is sovereign, Almighty and omnipotent and also that He is willing and able to grant what I’m asking–my prayer went something like this, “Lord, please drain my phlegm and mucus and stop my cough during my flight and even permanently.” That was it. 

The day after or two days after it did not happen. I actually had more discharge which I took to mean that I was getting rid of toxins. I coughed profusely and it upset my stomach very much. But once I had put my request in God’s hands I wasn’t expecting it to happen on a particular timeline. My prayer had visualized the flight and I was not on the flight yet. 

For this reason I didn’t doubt, or my mind didn’t contradict me. I noticed when I got to Dallas Fort Worth that it had been many hours since I woke up and had flown close to four hours and been in two airports and had not coughed a single time– I had no need (mucus or phlegm) to use Kleenex to collect from my mouth. It was a great relief. Besides my taste buds had improved and I was able to eat, that hadn’t happened in a long time. 

One of the major lessons I’ve learned long before my current situation is that when I ask the Lord, He does answer most of my prayers. I’m talking about parking, taxes, resources, helpers etc. What makes the difference is that I ask believing whenever I’ve asked hesitating whether or not God is willing, because I never question that he’s able, then my prayer dissipates. The potency of my ask the level of my confidence inside of me at a visceral level would be lacking. Now in my current situation, I cannot afford to be flailing. This is a time of battle, but the battle is not mine to win. Jesus has already conquered the grave. We know He resurrected the dead during His ministry of earth, and we also know He died and three days later, He rose again.

Jesus also said in scripture, “I come that they may have life and have it more abundantly.” So we believe in life after death, we believe in eternal salvation or eternal life. 

As a spirit being, I also recognize that my flesh will at some point expire or my organs will quit and my life as science would define it will no longer exist. But my life will go on in another dimension and just as I’ve come to this planet and now in this dimension, I will transition to my next life wherever God ordains and however God determines. I am His child and whatever His plans for me are always good. The Apostle Paul said, “We don’t hope in what we see…”

I guess what I’m trying to say to whoever is reading this right now is the following:

1) It doesn’t matter what your situation is. Whether it’s illness, financial ruin, family trouble or personal entrapment, God is with you through it and in it. If you take your gaze away from the trouble and put it on Jesus or God the Father then you will be carried or rather, you’ll recognize/discern that you are being carried. Jesus is your comparison and your helper. He is fighting your battles and working on your behalf.

2) When you pray, do not give God a prescription, but humbly ask for what you want. To me the key is that on one hand I believe it will be granted because God is a loving, compassionate and gracious Father. Jesus has proved this during His ministry on earth and throughout my life. However, I also know that it is not my merit, or my hard work, or Bible study or anything that has given me this unconditional access to the Throne of Grace. It is the blood of Jesus, shed on the cross, the spotless lamb who died for my salvation. I know that by the blood of Jesus I am redeemed, I am reconciled with God the Father, my sins are justified and I am being sanctified each moment. 

What do I mean that my sins are justified? I’ve made many mistakes in my life and the consequences of my behavior on my actions have hurt people I love, respect and cherish. When I look back and try to justify my behavior or actions it feels like mere excuses, although there are justifiable explanations as to what led me to behave that way or why I chose to take that particular action. Still, there is no acceptable justification for unkindness, selfishness (narcissistic) and arrogance.

Everyone has a reason but just because we were hurt does not mean we are entitled to hurt others. Only Jesus who took away all my infractions upon himself and paid the ultimate sacrifice can justify my sins. 

3) A walk with God is both simple and complicated. God sought me very early in my life (a diary for another time) but through the years as I came and left and as I learned what it means to surrender myself (it didn’t happen at once) I felt a deeper connection to Jesus and His loving presence grew in me by the power of the Holy Spirit. At this time, I am able to stand even when my legs are shaky, be very lucid even when I should have many concerns to muddle my thoughts, I am steady and very much present although it seems like an inopportune time to be so or to do so. Scripture tells us that the Holy Spirit is a very present help, indeed. I am here to tell you that it is very true. God never fails us, Jesus never leaves us and if we step aside and get out of our own way the Holy Spirit never leads us astray.